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The Raw Brutality of Human Emotion

Some brief feedback on the early stages of providing shelter for Ukrainian refugees

By Robert Rechter, 13 March 2022,

The new Ukrainian members of my extended family, from Kharkiv, Natasha, Dasha and Ivan crossed a war-stricken and terrifying Ukraine, travelling by all means of transport available to them from one Ukrainian military checkpoint to the next, relying on the intelligence provided by earnest, but probably confused young Ukrainian soldiers, to avoid Russian patrols. They were the lucky ones. They made it out. Natasha and Dasha’s brother, Ivan’s uncle, Andrey, was not afforded that luxury as a 30-year-old male. He was required to stay in the country. Their elderly parents reached the difficult and excruciating decision to separate the family and stay behind with Andrey.

In as of itself, that cornelian decision would at any other time be enough pain for a whole lifetime. But we all know deep down that the potential is there for the situation to get worse. I mean just a couple of months back, I remember wishing everyone a happy new year, thinking 2022 could only, by comparison, be better than the two awful and past Covid ridden years… Little did I know.

After a cursory search on the internet, I concluded that there were not any easily available materials for someone who has no idea of where to look, so I reached out to a dear old friend of mine, who has a huge following on Twitter. He kindly accepted to put out a message, on an anonymous basis, asking if there were any psychiatrists or psychologists out there who have advice on how to help war refugees on dealing with their distress.

The feedback was overwhelming, with over 100 extremely sound pieces of advice, links to materials and even offers to speak with me, 660 retweets and 1400 likes, with not a cat picture in sight.

Three very concrete benefits would come out of this tweet.

First of all, I was able to draw up an inventory of very useful tips, advice and materials. A great many people took the time to offer the benefit of their professional experience and advice and I was touched by such a surge of good intentions. I’ll summarize very briefly here some of the advice provided, as every person considering offering shelter to refugees should bear these basic tips in mind. a) Listen and give space (we have been consistently doing this and we are lucky to be able to provide a spacious independent flat attached to our property); b) Baking and cookery are good for the soul (Natasha and Dasha will be preparing Borchtch for us on Monday); c) Ensure dignity. This seems obvious and simple, but this absolutely essential point can be overlooked for instance in the way you react to a refugee who may react in a manner you consider irrational to material generosity. My motto has always been to never give, expecting to receive a given form of gratitude, and this has been extremely useful here. Real generosity must come with no conditions attached. A homeless man may legitimately take exception to being given food, without being given the choice. Would you not too, prefer the freedom of money to choose your own meals? Choice and personal taste are basic yet fundamental symbols of our humanity. In the case at hand, some people donating clothes for instance do not understand that refugees may not accept them, simply because they may not like them. You must accept that. The dogma that “beggars can’t be choosers” must not apply, if refugees are to retain some dignity; d) Providing art materials for younger children can be also prove helpful in getting them to express their feelings.

Second of all, I was swiftly contacted by Professor Sir Cary Cooper CBE, who has extensive experience on trauma and stress. We spoke over the phone and he proved to be a real lifeline. Initially, he explained how he had been extremely affected by the whole Ukrainian ordeal, as he was of Ukrainian origin, and was supposed to be travelling there shortly for a one in a lifetime visit. He had felt an overriding and nearly irrational connection to the whole. This also struck a chord with me, for a resounding and striking synchronicity. I live in France and have dual British and French nationality, but the rest of my immediate family remain in the UK. My father was born in 1938 in London of Austrian refugees. Since Brexit, my siblings and parents have been looking into Austrian citizenship, because of course, they are compassionate and peaceful people and consider that economic cooperation between nations rather than all-out competition and war is what it is all about. It follows logically that they are remainers and want to remain, albeit symbolically, EU citizens. For the application for Austrian citizenship, they had to look into our own family history, necessarily chaotic on that continental European and Jewish side. And they had recently found out, and I only learned of this a couple of days into the Russian invasion, that my great grand-father, Abracham Rechter, was born in Bolekow, which was then in the Ukraine. He was murdered by the Nazis in Poland in September 1939. I knew we were Austrian as the whole family had later moved to Vienna, from where those that chose to flee had departed, but I had no idea I had Ukrainian blood. And the amazing thing about this synchronicity is that I had registered to provide shelter for Ukrainian refugees before learning of this. There is something deep and compelling about our origins, that will sometimes unexpectedly bob to the surface under extreme conditions like these. After this conversation which obviously went on for quite some time, Professor Cooper offered up the best advice possible really given the circumstances. He suggested keeping it simple and just to first develop a relationship with these new family members. Get to know them. Make it clear to them that they are now safe and that they will be cared for, and then at a later stage to start providing some outlines and planning for the future. This implies for instance getting children and adolescents into schools, and thinking of jobs for the adults.

Third of all, I was contacted by a BBC journalist, Fiona Hill, senior producer of The Evidence on the World Service, who is looking at war and trauma for the next edition, at the end of March. And this is essentially also why I am writing this paper, to provide other families considering providing shelter for refugees with some real-life, real-time pointers, as the crisis swells.

So my new Ukrainian family made it out of the war zone and their long journey to France began. It would take them the better part of a week. I can’t imagine how hard the journey must have been, across several European countries, catching countless trains, a different language each time, and finally, it was time to pick them up at the train station. I drove to the station with a fair amount of fear. How would I recognize them ? Would they be able to hold it together? Would I for that matter ?

Meeting up would not pose a huge difficulty. Quick tip, refugees are the last people left standing on the platform when everyone else has scurried away, partly because they are bewildered and secondly because they carry all they possess and need to brace themselves before carrying their heavy loads up or down any stairs. Our greeting on the platform was highly emotional, they really clang to me with sighs of relief, which really brought it home, if need be, that I was now responsible for them. The drive back home was swift and uneventful. When we showed them their accommodation that we had lovingly prepared, with as many mod cons as we could muster together at such short notice, there were more tears, on both sides. I found it essential to keep it together at this point so as to convey as best possible vital information. But easier said than done.

It has now been nearly a week now and here is my initial feedback:

Although communication is limited in broken French and English, my feeling is that they must be experiencing a fair deal of guilt in relation to those they have left behind in the Ukraine. So, although the initial reflex may be to try and provide a relaxed atmosphere and even a little laughter to take their minds of things, we have to guard against over doing this and avoid creating an excessive sense of guilt. It is a subtle balance. As soon as we perceive even the slightest guilt in their eyes after a bout of laughter, I think it is good to take down the pace. It is important to laugh, but I think a guilt-free environment to rebuild is probably more constructive in the long run.

One personal mistake I made, but which given the circumstances is extremely difficult to avoid, was when I was asked what my 20-year-old son wants to do later on in life, I responded truthfully that he wants to join the French army. This has been the only time they have spoken directly of the war. Although Natasha went off into an extremely long and frantic monologue in Ukrainian, we could clearly understand that she was talking about being locked up for 6 days underground during some of the most intense bombing and something about Chechens and (being?) animals, which ultimately resulted in her welling up and her son reaching out and taking her hand. So should I have changed the subject and not answered the question ? I really don’t have an answer to this. There are obviously going to be times like this, sometimes the TV will be on and the news of the war will blast out in full Technicolor. I suppose all we can do is our best, and as with our own children, you will not be able to protect them from everything.

On religion. Fairly recent polling shows that more than 70% of Ukrainians are believers. They are essentially orthodox Christians. And for are new Ukrainian family members, especially young Ivan it is obviously very important. The main religion in France is roman catholic, and we have already taken him to catholic mass, although not being churchgoers ourselves, but I have contacted the orthodox priest here in our city who officiates an orthodox mass once a month. Given the number of Ukrainians who are turning up in our city he is considering requesting a second slot for an orthodox mass. Just something to bear in mind.

The solidarity of local people has been amazing, we have been receiving food and clothing non-stop since we told our friends we would be taking in a family and France, and more broadly the EU has for the first time triggered the temporary protection directive on minimum standards for giving temporary protection in the event of a mass influx of displaced persons.

France would seem to be on top of this, and a local association (Tremplin 17) has been appointed by the County prefect (préfet) to organise administrative formalities (social security registration, ensuring they receive minimum income, enlisting for school…). We will be meeting up very shortly with the representative of this association within the next few days.

It has been an emotional roller coaster for us, but mainly for our new family members, travelling from a place with the worst of human behaviour, to a place which brings out the best in human behaviour. But their ordeal is far from over, and it would seem, as far as we can tell, that they are still in the early stages of shock and denial.